I hate to complain. I really do. But, maybe we can pretend that I’m not complaining and instead just expressing my feelings? I mean. I am.
So to begin with I am still very thankful that we were given the chance to move out of Texas and I am very happy that we chose to jump on that chance. In the past three and a half months we’ve gotten to spend a great amount of time with our loved ones that we wouldn’t have gotten had we stayed in Texas. We’ve had amazing experiences that only living in NY could give us and we have some awesome plans in place for the near future that we wouldn’t have been able to make if we still lived halfway across the country. But it still doesn’t feel like we’re home.
Something I’ve struggled with for the past year, is wondering if I’ll ever again feel the happiness that I felt when we lived in Cape May. I’ve said so many times that that place became my home, because it did. But the thing that scares me is that I never struggled with leaving my actual home (the place I grew up and lived 95% of my life from the time I was born until I was 21.) the way I’ve struggled with leaving Cape May. I guess maybe the difference is that Cape May was where my babies became kids. It’s where they started school and made their first friends. It’s where most of their lives so far have been spent. It’s also where I became the mother that I am now. It’s kind of where I became an adult.
Part of what I’m missing is living in a small town. Part of what I’m missing is living a quiet, relaxing life by the beach. Part of what I’m missing are the dearest friends that I’ve made, an amazing school where I’m happy to send my children, and a place where people know my name. But it is so scary to me that I may never stop missing this. I still can not think of our life in Cape May without crying. I think summertime is probably the hardest time for me because there are so many things that make me think back. Something like sitting in NYC traffic makes me think of the Shoobies. Having dinner outside on our balcony makes me think of the endless nights with my neighbors that started with lawn chairs and slip and slides and ended with fire pits and beers. Hearing the waves crash on the dirty Staten Island beach makes me think of the gorgeous Cape May Harbor that used to be my front yard. It almost seems like it was a different life. And it sucks.
Josh wants to get out of the Coast Guard because of the struggle that I’m still dealing with. He doesn’t want to put us through being forced to leave our home again but I’m hopeful that I can get over this. I know that there is another Cape May out there for me and eventually we’ll find it. But even when we do, I will always think of our years in Cape May as some of the best in my life.