I can’t quite put my finger on what it is, but since having Ruby something has changed about me. I don’t know if I’d call it a lack of motivation or a lack of will power but basically I’m just not as hardcore as I used to be. About anything. I’m far more laid back when it comes to parenting and discipline. I’m far more laid back when it comes to cleaning and the appearance of our house. And I’m way, far more laid back when it comes to food and running. In some ways I love the change. I used to stress over every little detail so it’s a nice change to be a little more relaxed but this change has also brought on some things that I’m struggling with.
During my pregnancy, I worked out as hard as, if not even harder than, ever. I was extremely disciplined going to the gym every single Monday through Friday, running through week 29 and even walking multiple miles on the day I delivered. I made sure to eat very healthy and only ended up gaining exactly 25 pounds. By the fourth week home from the hospital I had lost all but 3 pounds and had already gotten back to running but then we moved to Texas two months later and things went down hill. It’s always
impossible hard to fit in exercise and healthy eating during a move but that difficulty extended itself for a month while we waited for our moving company to finally arrive with our belongings. With no cookware, dishes or utensils we were stuck eating nearly every meal at restaurants. Of course we could have bought some paper and plastic products and eaten at home but eating out was just a nice excuse to get out of the empty house. Plus sitting on the floor 24/7 really wasn’t all that appealing. A month’s worth of restaurant meals equated to a weight gain during the time when I was still trying to drop a few pounds. We joined our local Y and I got back to running but the Texas heat in mid summer forced me indoors and treadmill running just wasn’t something I looked forward too. It was easy for me to talk myself out of going to the gym, especially because I was still nursing. The next 6 months basically continued on the same way. I teetered between a 5 pound gain and a 5 pound loss but could never get my ass in gear enough to stop with the seesawing. Then in January I decided to sign up for the Alamo half marathon. The weather was absolutely perfect and I knew that having something to look forward to would help me stay on track. I printed out Hal Higdon’s training schedule (I’ve always used Hal Higdon’s plans -they’re awesome.) and spent the next two months X’ing off the workouts. Then just a few weeks before I was set to run the half, we got word that we’d be moving again. I was bummed that I wouldn’t be able to do the race but I was so excited to have the chance to get out of Texas that my disappointment was short lived. I decided to finish the training plan anyway. On our last Sunday in Texas, I set out to run my last long run of the schedule (10 miles) and ended up going the entire 13.1 instead. At mile 8 I felt really good and started thinking this really funny thought that motivated me. I had just watched the Survivor episode with Brandon Hantz’s meltdown the previous week and I kept hearing over and over again in my head, “I’m the author of my fate!” I decided that just because I couldn’t run the race didn’t mean I couldn’t run the distance. Because just like Brandon said, I’m the author of my fate 😉
At mile 10 I felt great and kept going. At mile 11 I started to feel the pain but I knew that I could suck it up for 2 more miles. I ended up finishing the half marathon run in 2 hours 2 minutes and 47 seconds – faster than I expected myself to run it even in the race (this kind of kills me because I know if I could run this time on my own I would have beaten the 2 hour mark during the race!). Anyway, my body was dead for the next week and when I recovered enough to run again we were packing up the truck and heading to New York. I ended up running once on a hotel treadmill during our trip but of course just like the cross country trip the year before, it was mostly just trashy food and driving. When we arrived in New York after stopping to visit with family a couple times, I had maintained my weight (which was finally back down to my pre Ruby weight – but still a few pounds above where I’d like to be) but had lost all motivation to run the hills of Staten Island in the cold of NY April. This lack of motivation snowballed into another weight gain as we’ve lived in vacation mode for the past month with visitors every weekend. It’s out to lunch and out to dinner and cannolis and wine and ice cream and pizza WAY TOO MUCH. And once again, I’m back at 10 pounds over where I prefer to be.
How I want to look
How I currently look
How Josh looks when he’s jealous that he doesn’t get a picture in the blog
So this is where I have to think back and wonder what the hell has happened to me? Why is it so hard for me to pass on the zeppoles when I’ve already had two slices of pizza? Why do I want to have a glass or two
or three of pinot grigio every night? When I was in the process of losing the 60 pounds that I lost 5 years ago, I would think that girls who only needed to lose 10 pounds were so lucky. How easy is it to lose 10 pounds. That’s like 4 weeks of calorie counting and yet now I can’t even bring myself to record calories for one day. It’s easy for me to make excuses this time because I’m still currently at a healthy weight (normal BMI – not considered “over weight” by my doctor) and I’m fit. I mean, my butt jiggles more than it did 2 years ago but I can still easily bust out 3-5 miles running. However, I don’t like how I look in pictures, I don’t like how my clothes fit (I refuse to buy a bigger size), and I don’t like the number that the scale says every morning. So once again, I’m going to suck it up, get real and lose these 10 pounds. I’m getting my ass in gear and I’m lacing up my shoes. I’m cutting back on drinks and desserts and counting my calories. It’s going to suck. I’m going to be a little bitchy (Sorry Josh). But I am also going to feel healthier, happier and better about myself in a pretty short amount of time. I’ve done this before so I know I can do it again. I knew 5 years ago that I was going to have a struggle for the rest of my life but I promised myself that I would never let it get out of control again and I’m not going to. Enough is enough and 10 pounds is enough. The good thing is that, I’m the author of my fate. 🙂
I’m going to leave you with a post and an article that I read on KERF. Make sure you check out the article that she links back to. It’s a very interesting concept.